Negative Ghostrider....

So much to say .... but nothing really that important. Ever feel that way? Multiple things going on in your head.. so many ideas things you want to do , you feel you need to do or say.
Things you wish you could fix or change? But somewhere in your mind there is this block... this mind block that wants to shut you down. This little voice that came from somewhere saying you can't do that...and you listen. You don't want to listen but other things start happening in your mind through life, work, or whatever and that idea gets shoved aside because in that brief instant you listened to that block.
Where does this block come from? Is it already there from day one or is it instilled through life with negativity? Is there a way to rid of this block?
Why can't I seem to get past this block? This awful little thing which tells me no... which I let tell me no. Over a period of time if you are told no in life so much does it just become a small habit to listen and go with it?
I have found that anger of pushing through when certain people have told me I can't do certain things and proved them wrong. Why can't I push through this voice this block that continues to tell me no?
I'm not broken...I'm not sad. I just am finding where to go next. I seem to be able to let others effect me to where I will do anything to prove them wrong if they say NO you cannot do that. Why can't I seem to find the motivation to prove myself wrong?

A few clowns short of a circus

Two words: Circus clown.

Now don't think that this just popped into my head because I went to see the circus, NO! Ask Steve I have said I have wanted to be a circus clown before many times. Seeing the circus just sparked that flame again. I sent him a message about it after the circus ...his response. " AGAIN " .

Who wouldn't want to be a circus clown for realizes !?! I mean you get to act silly, goofy, a complete idiot ( wait I already do that at faire huh? ) ok but they have make up so no one ever really knows who they are. They have the most colorful clothes and who cares if it does or doesn't match or even fit for that matter!!

But then I get all excited and think I REALLY REALLY want to do this...and remember wait I don't really want all these kids around me. They cry they scream, they spit, pee, poo, color on you, put cake and ice cream on you. They want to touch you and I have a bubble. Yea this probably isn't the best match for me. Awwwww Man!!!!!

Season of change

It's ok!
This is my theme for now this is what I have been repeating to myself over the past few days. Ok well it varies from It's ok, It's going to be ok, breathe just breathe you have no control over this. Control .. Yes I like to be in control ( keep those perverted comments to yourself) and when something happens that I have no control over and spirals downward and there nothing I can do it can be difficult for me to let it go.

This is another learning experience.... I guess. What am I learning from it I have yet to figure out. Except maybe patience. Ok maybe thats it and acceptance. Ok ok maybe there are things I can get out of this but it doesn't mean I have to like it!!! All I know is that right now it hurts but meanwhile I have fantastic people to lean on and it's ok... I will be ok. Nothing to regret. Life goes on and a piece of my heart is still with them.

You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you

This blog is going to be a little different... Reason one I need a lighter subject Reason two I can't figure out what I want to say about a situation yet.

Song lyrics that confuse me......

Firework- Katy Perry ( calm down it's a good song ) " do you ever feel Like a plastic bag?" hmmm let me think no I don't think so. Wait I take it back there was this once....no. Well honestly I don't know how a plastic bag feels so when I find one that can talk I will surely ask it how it feels and compare it to the way I feel.

Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy- Big and Rich. "So save a horse ride a cowboy"... Really if you are riding both the horse and the person the same way there are some issues and you need help... Moving on.

Jack & Diane - John Cougar " suckin on a chili dog outside the tasty freeze" Um who sucks on a chili dog? That's messy and disgusting. K

..... I will be adding to this

Is Honesty that difficult?

Do you ever wonder how other people see you? How your friends see you vs people you just associate with? Do you think what they see in you matches what you want to be or see yourself as?

While some people make it clear of their thoughts about how you do things in your life, some people only provide insight when asked. (Which is sort of the way it should be unless you need an intervention). Sometimes when asked to provide insight and give advice people draw a blank and give you nothing *wink* it happens :)

Last year I needed A LOT of advice and help for some situations. I had a great person to help guide me through those. Is there a class or something we can send people to so they can learn how to be a friend? I am watching people I know and the people around them and they are not friends. Are parents not teaching honesty, loyalty, being positive... I could go on about things a friend should be. Am I the only one seeing this trend? People aren't being true friends anymore. It's all become this evil game of what can they get out of this situation for themselves.

One of the hardest thing about being the type of friend that is truly a good friend (in my mind) is to keep your mouth shut. Sometimes in certain situations you just have to. When you know your friend is going to get hurt, when you know something they are doing is not the best but they are having fun for the moment, you keep your mouth shut let them enjoy themselves and be there for them when it all falls apart.


To my closest friends: TEACH OTHERS YOUR WAYS.... wait no I take it back I want you all to myself! :)

Resistance is Futile

Silliness! Yes it's something I do. Yes I do realize my age. Yes not everyone is entertained by my silliness and I am ok with that. But tell me what does it hurt? What does it hurt for me to try and make someone smile? What is it hurting for me to try to make someones day better?

I understand not everyone has or "gets" my sense of humor. Refusing to even try though? Refusal to try to have a good day? Refusing to try and open your mind outside of your mood is harmful. Why would one not want to have a decent happy joyful day, no matter what's going on in their life? If there are happy positive vibes around you why negate them and push them away?

I do know that people have bad days, and bad days are bad. I have them and my friends try to help bring me out of them. When someone has continuous bad, grumpy, get away from me type of days it worries me. When the people around them do everything they can almost think of and it has no impact, besides the opposite and it backfires into stay away from me I want nothing to do with you I am left with emptiness that I have failed as a friend.

I am at a loss with this situation. I feel I am helpless. Helpless does not bode well with me. Have your people call my people!

Take the pieces when you go

This is a serious note..... I know me? Serious?

So you know how you put a part of your heart into everything you enjoy right, whether it be your friendships, relationships, job, or hobby. when something goes wrong in one of those areas what do you do? For instance say your hobby is costuming and you make what you think is a fantastic costume, but then someone either makes fun of it laughs at it or tells you how you SHOULD have done it. Part of your heart that you put into that is broken no? But you eventually pick up the pieces mend them back together and move on. Say this happens many times and at this point you feel broken down. Well this part of your heart that you have been mending has been broken down into so many tiny pieces that you are having a hard time fitting them back together again to bring yourself to get back out there and do it again. While you are trying to search for those few last pieces ( like motivation and trust) one more last laugh comes along .... And shatters what was left of the love you had for that hobby. That last laugh left you broken. Broken to something you once loved more than you realized.

While people do and should have opinions, please think about how you express them. People, emotions, and hearts are easily broken. While I am not perfect by any means, I would rather not be responsible knowing that I caused that last shatter and broke someone. All we can do is be here for one another and try to survive. We all will be broken at some point by parents, friends, or spouses be there for your friends when it happens for one day you will need them too.

Too much you think?? ;)